


Charlotte’s Web of Guilt and Good Girlfriendship

by SuperfriendlyFox



Series: Pig in a Blanket on the Bed [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Domestic, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff, Getting a Pet, Humor, Mild Sexual Content, SuperCorp, minor J'onn J'onzz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2019-01-09 17:03:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12280758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperfriendlyFox/pseuds/SuperfriendlyFox
Summary: Kara wants a pet. Lena doesn’t. Lena gives in, expecting a dog or a cat.





	Charlotte’s Web of Guilt and Good Girlfriendship

They move in together-- _Kara_ moves in-- and _of course_ Kara wants a pet.

Lena tries to negotiate for a nice set of fighting fish-- _“Look Kara, blue and red!”_ \-- but while her bargaining skills are unmatched in the boardroom, they fall apart when faced with that fetching, enchanting, irresistible pout.

So she “gives Kara permission” to attend that adoption event in the park while she’s locked in her office on an endless conference call, hoping and praying it will be a small dog, or a shorthaired cat.

Finally done, she takes a few moments for herself at her desk, and hears Jess cooing to whatever annoying animal her lovely, non-annoying girlfriend has picked out.

Kara enters her office holding a small bundle close to her chest. _Good, at least it’s small. And qui-- wait, is it... grunting?!?_

“Kara. Absolutely not.”

“Lena, she’s tiny. She’s a teacup piglet.”

“It was an adoption event for dogs and cats. How in the world did you end up with a pig?”

 _“Piglet._ A little girl, her parents wouldn’t let her keep her. They weren’t actually part of the event, they just wanted her to go to a good home. I promised her we’d be good parents.”

Lena flinches at that word. “Kara. There’s a _reason_ why her parents wouldn’t let her keep her.”

“She’s _tiny,_ Lena."

“Kara, they grow really, really big. Look, she’s already the size of _multiple_ teacups. They need room, and grass, and soil to root in, she wouldn’t be happy in an apartment.”

“But Lena, she’ll be happy _with us._ And anyway, we can buy a house when she gets big. And till then we can bring her to the park.”

“It’s not just that, Kara. They eat a lot, more than you even. They need lots of care and attention, and neither of us has the _time_ to devote to her. It’s not like a cat that is content to be on its own, or a dog that you can just bring to the office.”

Of course that goes in one super ear and out the other.

“We can name her Charlotte.”

Lena sighs. “Kara. You do know Charlotte was the spider, right?”

“Well _obviously_ we can’t name her Wilbur!”

Her girlfriend is just too adorable. Good thing Lena isn’t the CEO of Pretty Lesbians, Inc. She would cave in every boardroom meeting. “We could name her Babe.”

“No, she’s more of a Charlotte.”

“Or Bacon?” Lena grins wickedly.

Kara glares at her, and puts one palm over the piglet’s ear, gently squishing the other ear against her chest. “Lena. That’s not funny.”

“We’ll have Bacon every morning.”

“Lena! She’ll _hear_ you.”

*****

A few days are spent making sure Charlotte feels comfortable and safe in their apartment.

After a few nights Kara decides it’s okay to start having sex again, but that they need to wait until Charlotte falls asleep on her dog bed (in their room). Lena thinks that’s ridiculous. But she’s a good girlfriend, and she’s always up for a challenge. In this case, the challenge to hoarsely whisper Kara’s name while in the throes of passion, instead of screaming it.

All goes well, with Lena comparing volume control to edging, until one night they hear grunting. Kara peers over the side of the bed to find Charlotte staring up at them, trembling.

“Oh no, no no Charlotte,” coos Kara, sledding off the bed far enough to pick up the piglet. “Mommy and Mummy weren’t hurting each other... Lena... uh, I need help, please.”

Lena reaches over to grab Kara by the ankles and pull her, along with _that damn pig,_ back onto the bed.

“There there, it’s all right, Mommy’s got you,” whispers Kara, cradling Charlotte onto her bare chest.

Lena slumps against her pillow, wondering if pets will always trump orgasms in the Danvers-Luthor household, and thinking if she’d just gotten Kara a guinea pig last birthday, none of this would be happening.

They return to the pet store to buy a kennel, a second dog bed, more blankets and toys, and a pet barrier. A second sleeping spot is set up for Charlotte, far away from the bedroom, in what used to be Lena’s library. “This is fine,” Lena assures Kara. “She needs her own space anyway.” Lena builds a rooting box so Charlotte can hunt through the smooth stones for the treats Lena scatters inside.

Then sex is _fantastic_ again! Except... Kara insists on taking breaks to check on Charlotte. Lena tries to convince Kara nothing bad can possibly happen to her-- _“We have a smoke alarm and a carbon monoxide detector, and seriously, who would want to steal a pig?”_ \-- but Kara says Charlotte needs to be reassured: “Just because Mommy and Mummy can’t see you doesn’t mean we don’t still love you.”

 _”I_ don’t love her,” mutters Lena.

“What was that?!?” calls Kara from Charlotte’s room.

Lena sighs, flicks on the lamp on her bedside table, and reaches for her book. _Stupid super hearing._ “I said _of course_ I love her!”

“Hmpff!” she hears Kara exhale, then sing-song something that sounds suspiciously like, “Mummy’s going to get a time-out for that, yes she is!”

Lena snorts... and hears Charlotte snort as well. At least Charlotte’s on her side.

But she’s still annoying as hell.

*****

They take turns bringing Charlotte into the office.

Jess thinks watching her elegant, power suit-wearing boss lead a pig on a leash out of the elevator is the greatest thing ever, and grabs her phone to snap a picture. Lena warns her that photo will never see the light of day if she wants to _remain employed_. Jess smirks-- _as if_ \-- and is happy to watch Charlotte and spoil her with treats and behind-the-ear scratches whenever Lena is in a meeting.

When Jess isn’t looking, Lena gives Charlotte a few chin scratches, too.

Everyone who comes into her office seems to have something to say about Charlotte. Almost all of them nice. Lena tells everyone she doesn’t care for the damn pig, she just loves her girlfriend.

...

Snapper gives Kara one look, and she leads Charlotte back out the door.

On to the DEO. Charlotte doesn’t need to be around a perpetually grumpy grumpalumpagus, anyway.

J’onn glances at Kara askew but doesn’t say anything, not even when she also drags in a kennel, a dog bed, toys--

“Cheerios?” J’onn laughs, staring at the bright yellow box.

“They’re her favorite treat, along with popcorn, raisins, apple slices...”

Kara comes back from an afternoon of Supergirling to find J’onn lying on his back on the floor of his office, stacking Cheerios on top of one another on his forehead, while Charlotte waits at his side. He snaps his fingers, and the piglet scarfs the treats down.

J’onn looks up to see Kara laughing. He scrambles up off the floor. “I saw it on _Ellen,”_ he grumbles.

“No, I--” Kara tries to suppress her smile. “Thank you for keeping Charlotte entertained.”

“In my defense, I was on my lunch break.” J’onn barrels out the door.

*****

They give Charlotte her first bath. Kara distracts the piglet in the tub with popcorn and raisins, while Lena wipes her down with a small towel dampened with baby shampoo.

Lena wonders what baths will be like when Charlotte grows big. _Will she try to kick us?_

_Maybe she won’t still be with us..._

After Charlotte is clean and dry and scampering out of the bathroom to her freedom, Lena sighs and runs the tap again, needing to scour the tub.

Kara laughs and pushes her in fully clothed. Lena yells and curses, until Kara climbs in after her.

*****

Then there’s the time Kara gets re-infected with red kryptonite.

Lena is furious when she realizes what’s happened. She calls Alex, but before help can arrive the damage is done. Red K Kara tells Charlotte what a fat, dirty, noisy swine she is, and how delicious she’d be with a side of eggs. Of course Charlotte doesn’t understand Kara’s words, but she understands her tone, and runs to her dog bed and cries.

 _“Stop it,_ Kara,” Lena warns. “You don’t mean what you’re saying.”

“What do _you_ care,” snarls her kryptonite-crazed girlfriend. “You don’t give a _damn_ about her. You’d turn her into a football if you had the chance.”

“Actually, I’d donate her tissue for heart valve transplant surgery,” Lena coolly returns. “But she happens to be _our pet,_ and I will not have you speaking to her in such a manner.”

 _“Our_ pet.” Kara smirks. “You only let me keep her because you’re afraid I’ll leave you, you’re afraid of being alone. And you _should_ be afraid, no one else would stick it out with you, with your ice queen attitude and your _monumental_ mommy issues.”

Lena clenches her jaw and endures the abuse until Alex and her cronies burst in.

Finally, with her compromised girlfriend in safe hands, Lena hurries to the bedroom, where Charlotte is still crying. She picks her up. _She’s getting so heavy. I can cancel that gym membership now._ She carries her downstairs in the elevator, into the car and they drive to the park. Lena buys Charlotte a cherry popsicle, even though she forbade Kara from feeding her sweets, and watches carefully as Charlotte delights in playing with the excited little kids who swarm around her.

_At least we don’t have kids._

...

Lena is napping with Charlotte on the couch next morning when Kara slinks in.

Charlotte’s happy grunts awaken her, and she opens her eyes to see her teary girlfriend rubbing the pig’s belly.

“I made her cry, Lena.”

Lena stretches. “Pets are resilient, Kara. Look, she’s already forgotten. She _loves_ you.”

“And the things I said to _you._.. I am _so_ sorry, Lena. I--”

“It’s fine, Kara. You didn’t actually say anything that wasn’t true.”

 _“Nothing_ I said was true. It was stupid and awful and--”

“Kara. Stop it. It wasn’t your fault. It was the red kryptonite, it wasn’t you. Please don’t cry, Kara. I’m not angry, I’m not hurt... that wasn’t you, Kara. Please, don’t.”

Kara blinks back her tears and turns her head away.

“I _love_ you, Kara.” Lena puts her hand on her girlfriend’s arm and squeezes.

Kara rubs her eyes and smiles, looking back at her. “Yeah?”

Lena rolls her eyes. “Duh.”

Kara watches as Lena strokes Charlotte’s chin. “Lena?”

“Hmm?”

“You weren’t _really_ thinking of donating Charlotte for heart valve transplant surgery, right?”

“I love you, Kara.” Lena smiles for an instant, and then it’s gone. “But don’t test me.”

*****

Lena makes the most of her new bargaining chip. At dinner one night she spies Kara trying to sneak Charlotte her kale and Brussels sprouts.

“Kara, finish your vegetables,” Lena warns softly, getting up from her chair and picking up the pig.

“But, Lena. My Kryptonian body doesn’t _need_ vegetables. And Charlotte’s _does,_ so really, it’s a win-win!”

Lena sits back down, holding Charlotte in her lap. “We feed her plenty of vegetables.” Lena gives the pig a Brussels sprout off her own plate, and scratches behind her ear.

Kara watches, jealous that Lena doesn’t have to eat all _her_ Brussels sprouts. “But, _Lena...”_

“Kara. Do I need to donate Charlotte’s tissue for heart valve transplant surgery after all?”

“You wouldn’t _dare.”_ Kara gives Lena her meanest look, just a degree short of heat vision eyes.

 _“Try_ me.” Lena gives Kara _her_ sternest look, and stops scratching Charlotte.

They hold each other’s glares a moment. Kara blows a raspberry and spears a disgusting Brussels sprout with her fork. “Fine!” Lena watches as Kara slowly guides the sprout up to her mouth.

 _“What?_ I’m eating it, I’m eating it!”

“I need to see it in your mouth, Kara. I slid plenty of vegetables of my own under my napkin when I was a kid.”

Kara rolls her eyes. “You are the worst girlfriend ever.”

“I know. Put it in your mouth.”

Kara grimaces and does as she’s told. “Okae, ish en. Shatishfie?”

“No. Chew, Kara. I want to see you swallow it. I don’t trust you not to spit it out.”

Kara complies, with a look on her face like she’s being forced to eat her and Lena’s boogers combined. She finishes chewing.“You are the worst girlfriend in this or any universe, I just want you to know.”

“Of course. I don’t come in second to anyone. Now swallow.”

Kara gags, but eventually gulps the sprout down, faced with Lena’s no-nonsense glare.

“Thank you. Now, a piece of kale.”

“Urrggghhhhhhh!” Kara glares at the pig. “The things I do for you, Charlotte.”

Lena smirks, and feeds Charlotte a kale leaf off her own plate, while Kara whines in misery.

*****

Lena makes Kara give Charlotte away.

She says it’s for the best. Charlotte’s gotten too big for the apartment, and they’re not ready to buy a house together. She says. Charlotte will be happiest on a farm, she says, associating with other pigs, and rolling in slop.

They find a lovely sanctuary that agrees to take her. Lena makes a sizable donation.

As they walk away Charlotte cries to see them go, and Kara cries, and Lena feels all the visitors to the sanctuary staring at them, mentally nominating her for World’s Worst Girlfriend Ever Since The Dawn of Time.

In any universe.

*****

Jess does not even _attempt_ to hide her disapproval.

“Jess,” Lena warns, though not unkindly. “Please don’t forget that I am your _boss.”_

As she enters her office she swears she hears Jess whisper, “If you say so, Miss Luthor.”

*****

Lena brings home a cat. After eight long hours arguing with board members and investors, she can’t take one more day of going home to her pouting, sniffling, pissed off girlfriend.

The cat scratches her three times on the car ride home, after busting out of the shelter’s cardboard carrier and jumping onto the front seat. She’s too tired to go back and return it, rationalizing it’s just scared and will like her once it settles in.

A month goes by and still it barely tolerates her.

It _loves_ Kara.

Lena knows the cat’s name. But she refuses to acknowledge it.

*****

Eventually Lena gives in and they “go visit” Charlotte. She can’t take one more day of going home to her pouting, sniffling, pissed off girlfriend. Because the cat hadn’t helped.

It’s not that she misses Charlotte, too.

Charlotte recognizes them from fifty feet away and squeals to high heaven.

Kara squeals just as loudly, right by Lena’s ear, and runs the last fifty feet to bend down and pick Charlotte up out of the pen.

Kara gives Lena the puppy dog eyes, and Charlotte squeals and wiggles her wee tail, and Lena realizes she should just give up now and acquiesce to every desire of Kara’s ever, because it’ll save time and cat adoption fees in the long run.

They’re driving home, Charlotte in Kara’s lap, snorting happily-- although Lena’s not sure if it’s her or Kara doing the snorting-- and Kara tickling Charlotte’s chin.

“Mommy wasn’t _really_ going to leave you there, was she?” sing-songs Kara. “No she _wasn’t._ Not by the hair on your chinny chin chin.”

“Great. I can’t believe now we’ve got a pig _and_ a cat.”

“I know, isn’t it?!? Next we should get a dog!” Kara squeals with glee, Charlotte happily joining in.

Lena grips the wheel tighter.

*****

They find they don’t need to bring Charlotte to the office anymore, as she’s happy to spend the work day with the cat.

Lena huffs. _Fine. The cat is good for something._ She compromises, and starts calling him “Cat.” Which leads to fun in-jokes with Kara. “Should we alter Cat’s diet?” “Cat peed on my shoes again.” “Scooch Cat over so we can have a threesome.”

Cat has an annoying habit of sitting perched on the end of the bed, staring at them, while they have sex.

“It creeps me out, Kara.”

“He’s just waiting till we settle down so he can spoon with us.”

“He just wants his bed back.”

“He wants _us_ back, Lena.”

“You, maybe. He hates me.” Lena turns away from the annoying cat to nibble on her girlfriend.

Kara giggles. “He does not.”

“Mmm.”

“Just wait till we come back from our-- um, when we go on vacation. He’ll miss you.”

“He’ll miss me feeding him, maybe. Hold still. It’s my turn to eat now.”

*****

Charlotte develops a hernia.

Kara insists on laying her on their bed to make her as comfortable as possible, and Lena doesn’t dare argue.

Charlotte lies on the bed and cries.

Kara cries.

Lena excuses herself to go to the bathroom. And cries.

Kara notices Lena’s red eyes when she returns but doesn’t say anything.

Lena swears she sees a slight smile when Kara thinks Lena isn’t looking.

Cat jumps onto the bed and pads his way over, spooning Charlotte and licking her head.

*****

Lena springs for the surgery for Charlotte, and tells everyone she did it for her girlfriend.

*****

One evening Lena looks up from her book upon hearing a key turn in the lock, happy to see her girlfriend after a long day apart.

Kara walks in, carrying a rope.

_Rrrruuuuufffffff!_

With a dog tied to the end.

A scruffy, dirty, long-haired dog. That she apparently found abandoned in an alleyway while changing back out of her Super suit.

_This is the last straw..._

But no. A pet rat comes next. A hoarding situation apparently, and Kara wanted to do her part. Just another odd Supergirl duty, like saving that little girl’s pet snake from that tree. Lena reprises her “Absolutely not” line, but why does she bother? Domesticated rats are affectionate, playful, clean and smart! Kara shows Lena how “Minnie” (of course) expertly figures out the food puzzle Kara bought, and Kara isn’t surprised at all when Lena agrees she can stay. (Kara is upping her game.)

A few days later Lena is reading in her favorite chair when she is startled by the sight of the rat riding the cat who’s riding the dog who’s riding the pig, through the living room down the hall into the bedroom and back. Lena glances at her wine glass but no, she’s only had two. She shuts her book and closes her eyes. _When did Kara find time to teach them that?_

Lena thinks of that children’s book with the old man who can’t stand his noisy house, who follows the village wise man’s advice and adds a cow, then a donkey, then a sheep, a hen, and finally a dog and a cat, and then gets rid of them all (again on the wise man’s advice), only to realize how quiet his house is once he has it back to himself.

She thinks back to how she got the cat to “replace” the pig and could kill herself.

“Kara,” seethes Lena as her girlfriend enters the apartment, after an evening of Supergirling. “I _love_ you. I would never want to leave you. But if you ever come home with a snake, or a tarantula, so help me God--”

“Oh,” whispers Kara. “Oh no, haha, no, Lena. I would never.”

“Good,” breathes Lena, but as she glances up from her book she can’t help but notice Kara quickly tossing her jacket over a small glass cage and whisking it out the door.

Kara comes back in an hour. Lena doesn’t ask.

*****

They fight about buying a house.

“You said we should, you said we needed a house for Charlotte,” argues Kara. “Now we have Charlotte and Punkie and Minnie and--”

“Don’t you think we should be married before we buy a house together?” Lena looks up from her book with an odd look on her face, swallowing a lump in her throat.

“Oh, ah... sure! Of course we should get married! Do... do you want to get married, Lena?” Kara looks at her girlfriend with soft eyes and a hesitant smile.

Lena huffs, and returns her attention to her book. “I kind of wanted to be asked for reasons _other_ than your burgeoning brood of furbabies,” she mumbles.

 _“Our_ brood of furbabies...” says Kara, hurt in her voice.

 _If she starts crying._.. Lena grips her book tighter. _Lena, you blithering idiot!_

But Kara just gazes at Lena a few moments, then puts two fingers in her mouth and whistles. Their perpetually-no-matter-how-many-brushings-scruffy dog lifts his head up from his spot on the couch.

“Punkie! Go fetch the special thing!” calls Kara. Punkie is off like a shot, and Lena can hear him digging in the... storage closet? _Did Kara teach him how to turn doorknobs?_ Lena lets go of her book and holds her face in her hands. _I have to put locks on all the doors now._

Punkie returns in fifteen seconds, and suddenly Lena looks up to find Kara on one knee, holding a little box, with a simple, elegant engagement ring inside.

“I’ve been meaning to ask for a while,” confesses Kara. “I just couldn’t decide on the best, most special way.”

“This is it,” sobs Lena, shoving her hand at her. Kara slides the ring up her finger.

“That’s a ‘yes,’ right?” Kara jokes.

Lena cries harder.

“Ah, Cat is happy we’re engaged.” Kara giggles.

“You _told_ her?” gasps Lena, before noticing their cat purring, rubbing against Kara’s leg.

*****

They come back from their honeymoon, and of course the pets go nuts to see them. Cat even rubs briefly against Lena’s leg. (“Look Kara! Cat is rubbing my leg!”)

They get ready for bed. Kara gets in first as always, because she cheats and uses her super speed to floss and brush her teeth. Cat paws his way over and flops down around Kara’s head, where his tail will inevitably swish against Lena’s face as she spoons her girlfr-- _wife. (Yay!)_ Punkie jumps up and makes himself Kara’s little spoon. Lena picks up Charlotte and deposits her (after a few strokes on the chin) on the end of the bed, where there’s enough room that no one will kick her in their sleep. And Minnie squeaks and waits, till Kara remembers to reach over and pick her up from her play box on the nightstand, then settles herself in between Cat’s paws.

Lena finishes up and slides under the covers, putting her arm around her wife after first shoving away Cat’s tail. A few grunts and snorts and repositions later, and a fart by who knows who, and everyone seems to be drifting toward dreamland.

“So,” whispers Kara. “Have you thought about having kids yet?”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
